If you’re anything like us, you found it a little hard to keep track of all the candidates in the democratic debates. Straight up, there were just too many people on stage. But never fear Hard Noise readers, I brainstormed with a bunch of Hard Times writers and came up with an easy guide to help you remember all the candidates as punk songs.
Beto O’Rourke – “I Was a Teenage Anarchist” by Against Me!
Well, this was an easy one.
Elizabeth Warren – “Just A Simple Plan” by Piebald
I read that Warren LOVES plans. She has a plan for everything. Healthcare reform? Plan! Climate change? Plan! She has a simple plan for everything.
Pete Buttigiege – “Right Now” by SR-71
He’s well spoken, seems nice, and has decent enough things to say… But that’s not what wins elections. Straight forward, catchy, safe. Like SR-71. Remember them? No? Yeah exactly. They were great, but didn’t quite stand out from the other billion pop punk bands. Mayor Pete better figure out how to stand out from the other 974 candidates before we all just kinda forget about him. He does have a cool last name though, maybe lean more into that? It’s kind of all he’s got at this point.
Corey Booker – “Spanish Bombs” by The Clash
Well, you knew he had to push back after Beto spoke Spanish.
Bernie – “Yelling In My Ear” by Operation Ivy
You get it…
Oh wait no, Bernie is actually more Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous. Hold on let me try that one more time.
Bernie Sanders – “Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous” by Good Charlotte
You know, because at first everyone thought he was punk (like Good Charlotte), and he talks about hating rich people (like Good Charlotte), but he’s secretly a rich person (like Good Charlotte). Hopefully he won’t lose track of what he’s all about, and will continue doing good work… And to be honest, he probably aged better than Good Charlotte, so at least there’s that.
Kamala Harris – “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” by Dead Kennedys
She is a tricky one! She was ALMOST “ACAB” because she was the DA, but after taking it to Biden in brutal fashion for being buddy buddy with segregationists she earned a Dead Kennedy’s song (but we’ll hit her with ACAB next time).
Amy Klobuchar – “The Futile” by Say Anything
Let’s be real, as we start really trudging through all these random candidates, for some of them it’s just futile to try.
Julian Castro – “Tip Your Bartender” by Glassjaw
THIS IS A WAR. Castro has got to step it up if he wants to get noticed. He went head to head with Beto, but Beto got a haircut on Snapchat, and stands on things – Castro is gonna have to post his colonoscopy on Tik Tok while hanging from the ceiling if he wants to gain any traction in the race. Like I said, THIS IS A WAR.
Tulsi Gabbard – “Judy Is A Punk” by The Ramones
“Judy Is A Punk” doesn’t really have too many words, but it still crushes, and Gabbard did the same – didn’t say much, but what few words she said hit pretty hard. And were anti-war. She a punk!
Marianne Williamson – A YouTube Video About How to Fake a Palm Reading
We will not be watching the second debate if they let this children’s birthday party palm reader hippie mom back on. Go home. You can’t solve the middle east with slam poetry so you don’t get a song (or to be president).
Joe Biden – “Creep” by Radiohead
You get it.
Andrew Yang – [instrumental] by Box Car Racer
Did he actually say anything all night? I’m not sure he did. Did he?
Jay Inslee, Tim Ryan, Eric Swalwell, John Hickenlooper, Joe Sestak and all the other random fucks they let on stage – Nickelback
Finally, the culmination of this very official list: middle aged dudes that are 100% indistinguishable from each other, like Nickelback songs. And, like Nickelback, they are relatively middle of the road, not particularly good OR bad, just kind of, “exist”? And somehow made it this far? I’m very excited to figure out which of these four are that one decent Nickelback song, which is the Spiderman song, which is the “pants around your feet” song, and which is the “photograph” song. Those are all the Nickelbacks, right?
Oh, did I forget someone? Right, Bill de Blasio. Sorry about that. This article has, without prior notice, switched to express, and will not be mentioning local candidates. We apologize for any delays and inconveniences.
Yell at me about the mistakes in this article on Twitter: @louiearonowitz. My editor cut out Kristen Gillibrand because she was boring.